The Waves, Billy/Dom, light R.
Sep. 26th, 2005 12:53 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lizhanneTitle: The Waves
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-syndicated.gif)
anne_elliot
Pairing: Billy/Dom, Dom/Shox (from World Without Sundays) mentioned. (Meaning that if![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
magikalcrab ever reads this, I'm going to burst from embarrassment. *g*)
Rating: Light R.
Warnings: Inspired by the (beautiful) song of the same title by italian singer/songwriter Elisa. I guess you could consider this as a songfic, but I don't really care, since it's still the piece of writing I'm most proud of. Slightly angsty.
Originally posted in five different parts, all collected here in one single post.
Author's notes: 2926 words total. This is, first and foremost, for my beloved Sam, who owns my heart and has whipped me every day to make me finish this. Forvensre, too, because I love her.
Disclaimer: Don't know them (sadly), don't own them (even more sadly).
1
Dom gets in the car, and simply starts driving. He doesn’t really know where he’s going, nor does he really care.
Driving is just something to do while thinking.
The streets are empty; he drives by the sea, absently glancing at the reflection of the moon in the water.
He thinks.
Thinks about the sleeping form he left in his bed, while quietly leaving to escape in the night, just for a little while.
He needs to think, because the sun is coming up soon, and then there will be no more time for thinking.
He hadn’t been expecting this.
He hadn’t been expecting the looks. Those looks. Not now. Not anymore.
He hadn’t been expecting the lingering tension between them, the subtle thrill that went down his spine every time he found Billy giving him another one of those looks...the small knot of panic and excitement growing ever bigger in his stomach.
He had thought Billy would have known better by now than to risk shattering the precarious balance they had managed to find.
After all, it had been him who –
Dom didn’t understand. He didn’t care, his instincts told him. He should stop this now, before history repeated itself, his mind scolded him.
He certainly hadn’t expected to find himself pressed to a wall, while Billy tried to suck all the air from his lungs with just one kiss – and almost succeeding.
Because right at that moment, Dom forgot he even had a mind who could scold him for being so stupid, never mind actually listening to it – so that all his main vital functions had been fairly impaired for the moment.
Dom didn’t care, really. He simply didn’t care that this was wrong, that this was going to hurt him, as it already had. He knew all of these things. But the touch of Billy’s lips turned his skin into liquid fire, and he wanted him, oh he wanted him, so he just forgot everything and kissed Billy back.
He knew the sensation. It was always the same.
Time blurred. In his mind, only some images remained, like unnaturally clear pictures.
Billy, kneeling in front of him, kissing the small hollow just beside his hipbone, murmuring words against his skin, words he couldn’t hear, only feel on himself.
Billy’s hands, clutching and releasing lightly on the pillows as Dom slid inside him, licking the sweat from his back, biting his neck. They looked like butterflies, he thought. Strange, hectic butterflies.
Billy, not falling asleep, not still completely spent, looking at him. His eyes, catching the low light and shining like jewels for a moment, as he spoke. “Don’t fall asleep, Dom. Please.”
2
Dedicated to_saturnidae
What do you do when everything you ever wanted is suddenly offered to you?
Just when you thought that it was lost forever?
And most importantly, are you still willing to accept it?
Dom tries to remember how it felt, when the thought of Billy finally loving him back wasn’t so scary yet, tainted with insecurity and pain.
He can’t.
Because he lost that feeling, something he remembers being called hope, way too soon.
Slowly, but steadily, ever since shooting had ended and they had been sent back to the world.
At first, it had seemed that the shiny bubble they had created around themselves in New Zealand could resist; Dom remembers the first screenings, the first parties, the first interviews, when nobody knew them, and Billy would just glow while looking at him, staring at his lips while he talked, distracting Dom as he tried to remain serious, because he was well aware that he couldn’t just kiss him like that, in front of everyone.
He was already lying to himself then, but he didn’t know it. He really thought that it was alright to keep it a secret – to the public, at least.
Because what did it matter, when Billy looked at him like that, anyway?
As if he was completely unaware of anything apart from him.
As if he was mesmerized by what he saw.
Eventually, he had woken up.
When Billy told him about Ali, Dom stormed, and ranted, and hurt his knuckles pretty bad, smashing his fist against a wall to avoid smashing it on Billy’s embarrassed and ashamed face, pleading for an impossible understanding.
“Can’t you see, Dom? It’ s my chance to be normal, to have a family, maybe kids...I want to be a father, dammit!”
A father. That word froze him.
“You don’t want to be a father.”
“I do.”
“You never mentioned it to me.”
“What for?”
Ouch. Thank you, Billy. Not that Dom had ever seriously thought about the matter, but to have the idea so easily discarded, not even considered, was painful.
Dom had lost many thing during the years he spent waiting for Billy.
That day, he lost the belief that he, they, all that they shared could ever be “normal”.
In the end, he had reacted in the only way he knew, because he didn’t care if it was wrong, and he didn’t care if it hurt himself, because he wanted him too much.
He didn’t ask Billy if his body reacted that way to her, too.
He didn’t need it.
He asked Billy’s body instead, and the answer was no. It was all that he needed to keep waiting for him.
Still, it hadn’t been enough, not for a long time.
Dom had lost many things during those years.
That day, he had lost a little bit of self respect, too.
3
Dom is sitting on the sand, staring out at the sea. The beach is empty all around him, and he focuses on the shimmering reflection of the moon on the water, broken and recomposed by every shifting movement of the waves.
It reminds him of something.
It’s funny how the human mind works, sometimes.
Because Dom should be angry with Billy, terribly angry. He shouldn’t have let him come back, time after time, always knowing that nothing was going to change anyway, because she was still there. But he did. He did it, because for some strange inner working of his mind, every single time that he was with him again, each time he saw Billy’s face after a long separation, he forgot everything.
Forgot the pain, the shame, the anger, the loneliness. And hated himself for it, but only afterwards.
After the passion was spent, and the usual clumsy words had been said, and he was alone again, because he still wasn’t enough for Billy, who wanted a conventional life, not a goofy and flashy blond bloke, who could only make his eyes sparkle and his body scream, but not make him feel that what they had was “normal”, something Billy seemed to want so desperately.
But still, from the shifting (shifting, just like the many facets of light glittering on the water right now) collection of memories that is the story of his years with (or better, without) him, only one thing stands out clearly, obliterating all the rest: the look he could sometimes see on Billy’s face while they were making love, or just laughing to tears together, a look so much like the first ones had been, like he still was mesmerized by what he saw. By Dom.
Dom knows this is weak.
Dom has lost many things while waiting for that look to show again.
One of those things is the ability to care for his weaknesses.
“Elijah told me you’ve been seeing Shox quite a lot, lately.”
“Yeah, might be. Why you asking?”
He could see him fidget nervously, all shifty eyes and furrowed brow. Dom knew he wanted to tell something, to vent his irritation, but he was also positive that Billy knew better than that.
And besides, he knew Billy couldn’t think that Shox was anything more than just closing his eyes and letting himself be fucked, for once, without having to care about what came afterwards. It was just that. He didn’t fuck Shox, he didn’t want to.
It was relieving, it was like getting high on some light drug that took his mind off the present for a bit, but it was nothing more than that.
“Nothing, nothing. Just asking.”
Still, now his gaze was fixed upon him, with a scrutinizing look. He seemed troubled, and worried, and Dom felt a slight surge of irritation.
“It’s just that...he doesn’t seem right for you.”
“I thought you’d have known better than to say something like this. You are the last person on Earth who’s any right to talk about who’s right for whom.”
There, he had hit the spot. Billy was silenced, and for the first time Dom felt, with a slight sense of wonder, what it was like to be dominant. Outside their bed, that is, for once.
“How’s Ali, by the way?”
He didn’t really care; it was more of a way to strengthen his point to Billy.
The reaction, however, was odd. Not the usual embarrassed smile, and a “Oh, she’s well, and she sends you her love”, that made Dom want to crash her pretty head against the nearest wall, because that felt so much like her taunting him, and ravage Billy on the nearest couch, to take that horrible, fake smile from his lips.
That time, Billy blushed, and his brow furrowed even deeper. He mumbled something like “Alright, alright, thank you”, and then clung to his bottle of beer as if his life depended on him draining it in less than a minute.
Dom wondered about it for about thirty seconds, then decided that he didn’t care.
He took the bottle away from Billy’s hands, put it on the nearby table, and let himself taste some beer too.
Billy clung to him with something that closely resembled craving and desperation, that night.
Dom knew better than to hope.
4
The light is changing. Slowly but steadily, Dom can feel the darkness around him ripen and come alive, getting ready to welcome the sun again.
Still, he wishes that the sun would wait.
Because he can’t see any light in his mind, and he’s not ready for the day to begin.
Somehow, he wishes that time would stop, so that he could stay still, captured in this moment, with his feet in the water and his eyes still following the waves.
Avoiding all decisions, just remembering that one moment. Without having to face it. Because it scares him.
After the talk about Shox, Billy hadn’t let Dom touch him again.
Whenever Dom made a move, he just shifted away, closed his eyes, and said “No, please.”
Dom couldn’t see behind his eyelids more than he could read his mind (not anymore), so he didn’t know what that meant.
But he respected it. Actually, sometimes he thought that he respected Billy a bit more for that.
Much as it hurt, at least he was sticking to his resolution. Whatever it was.
Now Dom didn’t have a reason to feel weak anymore, and he hated it.
A million different faces, swirling away night after night, did nothing to chase away the image of Billy with his eyes closed, pushing away from him.
So obviously, tonight, he hadn’t been expecting this. But he hadn’t questioned, he hadn’t asked; he had found that his weakness was still there, just waiting for a chance to show again.
And then...
“Don’t fall asleep, Dom. Please.”
“Mmm?” – a soft smile – “ ‘M so tired...”
“I need to tell you something.”
“Exactly when did you become a girl, Bills? Only girls want to talk after sex...and no, I don’t think you’re a slut, if that’s what you wanted to ask, and your reputation is safe with me.”
“I broke up with Ali.”
A smirk – he didn’t really like that kind of joke. Still...he was there with him, right now, wasn’t he?
“That’s not fair, I was the one making jokes...don’t steal my scene.”
“I’m not joking.”
Oh.
“Oh.”
Dom opened his eyes.
Billy looked utterly terrified, he thought.
“I...should have told you before, I guess.”
“When?”
“It’s just I was scared, and didn’t know how to tell, and when I saw you I...”
“I asked when.”
“A week ago.”
“So when you called me and told me you were coming here, you had already broken up with her.”
“Yes.”
“And you didn’t tell me.”
“No.”
“Why?”
“I was scared.”
“For Christ’s sakes, Billy, looks like you’ve been scared every single fucking day of your life since you met me...that’s no news for me, nor does it help me understand.”
Why had he been so angry?
5
He had been angry, he now knows, because he had learned to despise hope during the years, and there it was again, looming behind a corner, without a plausible reason.
The reason, however, had proven itself more than plausible.
And Billy had been so fucking believable, while he clumsily tried to explain.
A pregnancy scare, that had been more than scare for a possible untimely baby: it had made Billy realize that anything that could have ever been before that moment, was now possibly gone forever.
He had thought he had finally got what he wanted: a family, fatherhood, his normal, conventional life.
It had scared the hell out of him.
“And it made me realize – normal? What’s normal? I don’t know if I’m gay or not, and I just don’t care anymore...what I do know is that when I’m with you, I’m happy.”
Dom smiles, because he just can’t help it. It all seems so silly, so fucking easy.
He had smiled tonight, while Billy told him about his jealousy.
It had made him fear that they had lost their connection, though, because how on Earth could Billy not have understood?
Billy had even offered to leave...indeed, he meant to leave tomorrow, to give Dom time to think about it. His plane was already booked.
Not knowing what to say, Dom had answered in his usual way, once again.
Billy hadn’t seemed to mind, when Dom had pinned his arms up above his head, and had explored his body again, hard and deep, as if seeking a possible explanation there.
Dom hopes Billy didn’t see the tears.
Even if his last words, before finally drifting to sleep, had been “I’m sorry.”
So now he’s here, and the day is coming. Sitting on the beach, Dom digs in the wet sand, absently stroking it between his fingers.
The moon is setting, but sparkles of light still shimmer on the waves, catching his eye.
He’s not angry anymore; he’s scared now, and he tries to remind himself all the times he had thought it could have worked, and all the times his belief had been shattered again. He doesn’t want to give in to hope, a tricky, devious friend.
He’s been broken, again and again, and he has never been able to regain his balance just enough to get completely over it. And he knows he never will be able to. Not that he’s proud of it, but it’s the truth.
Dom misses a lot of the things he has lost during the last years.
He wishes he hadn’t lost so much of his self respect, throwing himself at Billy over and over again.
He wishes he hadn’t lost the ability to hope, without fearing it.
He wishes he had cared more about his weaknesses.
More than everything else, he wishes that every time he thought about love, he could have seen something else other than that look on Billy’s face, the one that has kept him hanging for years.
The one he saw tonight, amplified a thousand times, just beyond the veil of anxiety in Billy’s eyes.
Smiling again, because he just can’t help it, he shakes his head, as if gently scolding himself.
Dom might have not found the things he has lost during the years tonight, not even after Billy’s words; in fact, he might have even lost something else.
He’s not surprised to find he doesn’t miss his pride.
He gets up, and cleans the sand from his trousers.
As he drives back, the sun, coming up at last, laps gently at his face, forcing him to put his sunglasses on, smiling.
The light intensifies, and all the little fractured reflections on the waves come together, in a single mass of sparkling light.
When he finally gets home, he stops at the bedroom door, looking at the man on the bed.
He’s still asleep, lying prone and half turned towards the place where Dom should be, sheets down to his waist. Dom can see him more clearly now than when he left, the slow light that’s filling the room softly defining his face and reflecting shadows on his back.
He takes off his clothes, letting them fall on the floor and so returning them to where he had picked them up before.
He slips in bed quietly, trying not to wake Billy up.
Unable to sleep again, he just lies there, staring at him, smiling as he feels his chest fill with something intoxicatingly good and soothing.
While a soft smile sets on his lips, he closes his eyes, breathing in Billy’s scent, sleep and sweat and just Billy, adding it to the swelling sensation in his chest.
“Dommie? What’s the time?”
He drapes an arm around Billy’s shoulders, nestling his head in the curve of his own neck.
“Sssh. Go back to sleep, love.”
Author:
anne_elliotPairing: Billy/Dom, Dom/Shox (from World Without Sundays) mentioned. (Meaning that if
magikalcrab ever reads this, I'm going to burst from embarrassment. *g*)Rating: Light R.
Warnings: Inspired by the (beautiful) song of the same title by italian singer/songwriter Elisa. I guess you could consider this as a songfic, but I don't really care, since it's still the piece of writing I'm most proud of. Slightly angsty.
Originally posted in five different parts, all collected here in one single post.
Author's notes: 2926 words total. This is, first and foremost, for my beloved Sam, who owns my heart and has whipped me every day to make me finish this. For
vensre, too, because I love her.Disclaimer: Don't know them (sadly), don't own them (even more sadly).
1
Dom gets in the car, and simply starts driving. He doesn’t really know where he’s going, nor does he really care.
Driving is just something to do while thinking.
The streets are empty; he drives by the sea, absently glancing at the reflection of the moon in the water.
He thinks.
Thinks about the sleeping form he left in his bed, while quietly leaving to escape in the night, just for a little while.
He needs to think, because the sun is coming up soon, and then there will be no more time for thinking.
~~~
He hadn’t been expecting this.
He hadn’t been expecting the looks. Those looks. Not now. Not anymore.
He hadn’t been expecting the lingering tension between them, the subtle thrill that went down his spine every time he found Billy giving him another one of those looks...the small knot of panic and excitement growing ever bigger in his stomach.
He had thought Billy would have known better by now than to risk shattering the precarious balance they had managed to find.
After all, it had been him who –
Dom didn’t understand. He didn’t care, his instincts told him. He should stop this now, before history repeated itself, his mind scolded him.
He certainly hadn’t expected to find himself pressed to a wall, while Billy tried to suck all the air from his lungs with just one kiss – and almost succeeding.
Because right at that moment, Dom forgot he even had a mind who could scold him for being so stupid, never mind actually listening to it – so that all his main vital functions had been fairly impaired for the moment.
Dom didn’t care, really. He simply didn’t care that this was wrong, that this was going to hurt him, as it already had. He knew all of these things. But the touch of Billy’s lips turned his skin into liquid fire, and he wanted him, oh he wanted him, so he just forgot everything and kissed Billy back.
He knew the sensation. It was always the same.
Time blurred. In his mind, only some images remained, like unnaturally clear pictures.
Billy, kneeling in front of him, kissing the small hollow just beside his hipbone, murmuring words against his skin, words he couldn’t hear, only feel on himself.
Billy’s hands, clutching and releasing lightly on the pillows as Dom slid inside him, licking the sweat from his back, biting his neck. They looked like butterflies, he thought. Strange, hectic butterflies.
Billy, not falling asleep, not still completely spent, looking at him. His eyes, catching the low light and shining like jewels for a moment, as he spoke. “Don’t fall asleep, Dom. Please.”
~~~
2
Dedicated to
_saturnidaeWhat do you do when everything you ever wanted is suddenly offered to you?
Just when you thought that it was lost forever?
And most importantly, are you still willing to accept it?
Dom tries to remember how it felt, when the thought of Billy finally loving him back wasn’t so scary yet, tainted with insecurity and pain.
He can’t.
Because he lost that feeling, something he remembers being called hope, way too soon.
Slowly, but steadily, ever since shooting had ended and they had been sent back to the world.
At first, it had seemed that the shiny bubble they had created around themselves in New Zealand could resist; Dom remembers the first screenings, the first parties, the first interviews, when nobody knew them, and Billy would just glow while looking at him, staring at his lips while he talked, distracting Dom as he tried to remain serious, because he was well aware that he couldn’t just kiss him like that, in front of everyone.
He was already lying to himself then, but he didn’t know it. He really thought that it was alright to keep it a secret – to the public, at least.
Because what did it matter, when Billy looked at him like that, anyway?
As if he was completely unaware of anything apart from him.
As if he was mesmerized by what he saw.
Eventually, he had woken up.
~~~
When Billy told him about Ali, Dom stormed, and ranted, and hurt his knuckles pretty bad, smashing his fist against a wall to avoid smashing it on Billy’s embarrassed and ashamed face, pleading for an impossible understanding.
“Can’t you see, Dom? It’ s my chance to be normal, to have a family, maybe kids...I want to be a father, dammit!”
A father. That word froze him.
“You don’t want to be a father.”
“I do.”
“You never mentioned it to me.”
“What for?”
Ouch. Thank you, Billy. Not that Dom had ever seriously thought about the matter, but to have the idea so easily discarded, not even considered, was painful.
Dom had lost many thing during the years he spent waiting for Billy.
That day, he lost the belief that he, they, all that they shared could ever be “normal”.
In the end, he had reacted in the only way he knew, because he didn’t care if it was wrong, and he didn’t care if it hurt himself, because he wanted him too much.
He didn’t ask Billy if his body reacted that way to her, too.
He didn’t need it.
He asked Billy’s body instead, and the answer was no. It was all that he needed to keep waiting for him.
Still, it hadn’t been enough, not for a long time.
Dom had lost many things during those years.
That day, he had lost a little bit of self respect, too.
~~~
3
Dom is sitting on the sand, staring out at the sea. The beach is empty all around him, and he focuses on the shimmering reflection of the moon on the water, broken and recomposed by every shifting movement of the waves.
It reminds him of something.
It’s funny how the human mind works, sometimes.
Because Dom should be angry with Billy, terribly angry. He shouldn’t have let him come back, time after time, always knowing that nothing was going to change anyway, because she was still there. But he did. He did it, because for some strange inner working of his mind, every single time that he was with him again, each time he saw Billy’s face after a long separation, he forgot everything.
Forgot the pain, the shame, the anger, the loneliness. And hated himself for it, but only afterwards.
After the passion was spent, and the usual clumsy words had been said, and he was alone again, because he still wasn’t enough for Billy, who wanted a conventional life, not a goofy and flashy blond bloke, who could only make his eyes sparkle and his body scream, but not make him feel that what they had was “normal”, something Billy seemed to want so desperately.
But still, from the shifting (shifting, just like the many facets of light glittering on the water right now) collection of memories that is the story of his years with (or better, without) him, only one thing stands out clearly, obliterating all the rest: the look he could sometimes see on Billy’s face while they were making love, or just laughing to tears together, a look so much like the first ones had been, like he still was mesmerized by what he saw. By Dom.
Dom knows this is weak.
Dom has lost many things while waiting for that look to show again.
One of those things is the ability to care for his weaknesses.
~~~
“Elijah told me you’ve been seeing Shox quite a lot, lately.”
“Yeah, might be. Why you asking?”
He could see him fidget nervously, all shifty eyes and furrowed brow. Dom knew he wanted to tell something, to vent his irritation, but he was also positive that Billy knew better than that.
And besides, he knew Billy couldn’t think that Shox was anything more than just closing his eyes and letting himself be fucked, for once, without having to care about what came afterwards. It was just that. He didn’t fuck Shox, he didn’t want to.
It was relieving, it was like getting high on some light drug that took his mind off the present for a bit, but it was nothing more than that.
“Nothing, nothing. Just asking.”
Still, now his gaze was fixed upon him, with a scrutinizing look. He seemed troubled, and worried, and Dom felt a slight surge of irritation.
“It’s just that...he doesn’t seem right for you.”
“I thought you’d have known better than to say something like this. You are the last person on Earth who’s any right to talk about who’s right for whom.”
There, he had hit the spot. Billy was silenced, and for the first time Dom felt, with a slight sense of wonder, what it was like to be dominant. Outside their bed, that is, for once.
“How’s Ali, by the way?”
He didn’t really care; it was more of a way to strengthen his point to Billy.
The reaction, however, was odd. Not the usual embarrassed smile, and a “Oh, she’s well, and she sends you her love”, that made Dom want to crash her pretty head against the nearest wall, because that felt so much like her taunting him, and ravage Billy on the nearest couch, to take that horrible, fake smile from his lips.
That time, Billy blushed, and his brow furrowed even deeper. He mumbled something like “Alright, alright, thank you”, and then clung to his bottle of beer as if his life depended on him draining it in less than a minute.
Dom wondered about it for about thirty seconds, then decided that he didn’t care.
He took the bottle away from Billy’s hands, put it on the nearby table, and let himself taste some beer too.
Billy clung to him with something that closely resembled craving and desperation, that night.
Dom knew better than to hope.
~~~
4
The light is changing. Slowly but steadily, Dom can feel the darkness around him ripen and come alive, getting ready to welcome the sun again.
Still, he wishes that the sun would wait.
Because he can’t see any light in his mind, and he’s not ready for the day to begin.
Somehow, he wishes that time would stop, so that he could stay still, captured in this moment, with his feet in the water and his eyes still following the waves.
Avoiding all decisions, just remembering that one moment. Without having to face it. Because it scares him.
~~~
After the talk about Shox, Billy hadn’t let Dom touch him again.
Whenever Dom made a move, he just shifted away, closed his eyes, and said “No, please.”
Dom couldn’t see behind his eyelids more than he could read his mind (not anymore), so he didn’t know what that meant.
But he respected it. Actually, sometimes he thought that he respected Billy a bit more for that.
Much as it hurt, at least he was sticking to his resolution. Whatever it was.
Now Dom didn’t have a reason to feel weak anymore, and he hated it.
A million different faces, swirling away night after night, did nothing to chase away the image of Billy with his eyes closed, pushing away from him.
So obviously, tonight, he hadn’t been expecting this. But he hadn’t questioned, he hadn’t asked; he had found that his weakness was still there, just waiting for a chance to show again.
And then...
“Don’t fall asleep, Dom. Please.”
“Mmm?” – a soft smile – “ ‘M so tired...”
“I need to tell you something.”
“Exactly when did you become a girl, Bills? Only girls want to talk after sex...and no, I don’t think you’re a slut, if that’s what you wanted to ask, and your reputation is safe with me.”
“I broke up with Ali.”
A smirk – he didn’t really like that kind of joke. Still...he was there with him, right now, wasn’t he?
“That’s not fair, I was the one making jokes...don’t steal my scene.”
“I’m not joking.”
Oh.
“Oh.”
Dom opened his eyes.
Billy looked utterly terrified, he thought.
“I...should have told you before, I guess.”
“When?”
“It’s just I was scared, and didn’t know how to tell, and when I saw you I...”
“I asked when.”
“A week ago.”
“So when you called me and told me you were coming here, you had already broken up with her.”
“Yes.”
“And you didn’t tell me.”
“No.”
“Why?”
“I was scared.”
“For Christ’s sakes, Billy, looks like you’ve been scared every single fucking day of your life since you met me...that’s no news for me, nor does it help me understand.”
Why had he been so angry?
~~~
5
He had been angry, he now knows, because he had learned to despise hope during the years, and there it was again, looming behind a corner, without a plausible reason.
The reason, however, had proven itself more than plausible.
And Billy had been so fucking believable, while he clumsily tried to explain.
A pregnancy scare, that had been more than scare for a possible untimely baby: it had made Billy realize that anything that could have ever been before that moment, was now possibly gone forever.
He had thought he had finally got what he wanted: a family, fatherhood, his normal, conventional life.
It had scared the hell out of him.
“And it made me realize – normal? What’s normal? I don’t know if I’m gay or not, and I just don’t care anymore...what I do know is that when I’m with you, I’m happy.”
Dom smiles, because he just can’t help it. It all seems so silly, so fucking easy.
He had smiled tonight, while Billy told him about his jealousy.
It had made him fear that they had lost their connection, though, because how on Earth could Billy not have understood?
Billy had even offered to leave...indeed, he meant to leave tomorrow, to give Dom time to think about it. His plane was already booked.
Not knowing what to say, Dom had answered in his usual way, once again.
Billy hadn’t seemed to mind, when Dom had pinned his arms up above his head, and had explored his body again, hard and deep, as if seeking a possible explanation there.
Dom hopes Billy didn’t see the tears.
Even if his last words, before finally drifting to sleep, had been “I’m sorry.”
~~~
So now he’s here, and the day is coming. Sitting on the beach, Dom digs in the wet sand, absently stroking it between his fingers.
The moon is setting, but sparkles of light still shimmer on the waves, catching his eye.
He’s not angry anymore; he’s scared now, and he tries to remind himself all the times he had thought it could have worked, and all the times his belief had been shattered again. He doesn’t want to give in to hope, a tricky, devious friend.
He’s been broken, again and again, and he has never been able to regain his balance just enough to get completely over it. And he knows he never will be able to. Not that he’s proud of it, but it’s the truth.
Dom misses a lot of the things he has lost during the last years.
He wishes he hadn’t lost so much of his self respect, throwing himself at Billy over and over again.
He wishes he hadn’t lost the ability to hope, without fearing it.
He wishes he had cared more about his weaknesses.
More than everything else, he wishes that every time he thought about love, he could have seen something else other than that look on Billy’s face, the one that has kept him hanging for years.
The one he saw tonight, amplified a thousand times, just beyond the veil of anxiety in Billy’s eyes.
Smiling again, because he just can’t help it, he shakes his head, as if gently scolding himself.
Dom might have not found the things he has lost during the years tonight, not even after Billy’s words; in fact, he might have even lost something else.
He’s not surprised to find he doesn’t miss his pride.
He gets up, and cleans the sand from his trousers.
~~~
As he drives back, the sun, coming up at last, laps gently at his face, forcing him to put his sunglasses on, smiling.
The light intensifies, and all the little fractured reflections on the waves come together, in a single mass of sparkling light.
When he finally gets home, he stops at the bedroom door, looking at the man on the bed.
He’s still asleep, lying prone and half turned towards the place where Dom should be, sheets down to his waist. Dom can see him more clearly now than when he left, the slow light that’s filling the room softly defining his face and reflecting shadows on his back.
He takes off his clothes, letting them fall on the floor and so returning them to where he had picked them up before.
He slips in bed quietly, trying not to wake Billy up.
Unable to sleep again, he just lies there, staring at him, smiling as he feels his chest fill with something intoxicatingly good and soothing.
While a soft smile sets on his lips, he closes his eyes, breathing in Billy’s scent, sleep and sweat and just Billy, adding it to the swelling sensation in his chest.
“Dommie? What’s the time?”
He drapes an arm around Billy’s shoulders, nestling his head in the curve of his own neck.
“Sssh. Go back to sleep, love.”
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2005-10-10 09:48 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-10-10 09:57 pm (UTC)*hugs tight*
(no subject)
Date: 2005-11-08 07:31 pm (UTC)::adores more than ever::
(no subject)
Date: 2005-11-09 12:26 am (UTC)It's only an archive of the old things I wrote, and that I'll use to post eventual new fic. I could never find the links to my own fics, and now everything's nice and tidy. :)
Love you so, so much. *bearhug*